Giving Myself Permission to Quit

I am a quitter. I quit my job to stay home and take care of the kids since hubby is working out of state during the weeks. There was no real way I could work full time and get the kids everywhere they need to be. I have always been a teacher. Before Kid #1 was born I taught elementary school, then preschool during his and the other boys' toddler and preschool years. When we moved overseas I didn't work, but I still had Kid #3 with me at home half days, started a Master's program, and I had adventures with other expats when he was in school. My days were full. When we moved back to the States after two years, I was still working on my degree and getting everyone settled. The following year I began substitute teaching, which became almost a full time job during the pandemic. Last summer I applied for and was offered a full time teaching position that was not at my kids' schools. I took the job and we made it work, even though it was chaotic at times. Hubby was able to take the kids to school most days and on days when the job called him out early, my kind neighbor filled in. Hubby did morning duty and I did afternoon duty. We teamed up on nighttime activities. Even before we knew for sure what hubby's job change would be, I was stressed at work. I cried a lot on the drive to work and felt anxious every Monday morning. 

I used to think that because my kids were a certain age and because I had a bachelors and Masters degree, I wasn’t using my skills and needed to go back to work full-time. I felt the desire to run my own classroom, have my own students, and teach the way I know how to teach. However, I hated wrestling with the feeling that I wasn't there for my kids in the mornings and some afternoons. I felt guilty when I didn't pick up Kid #3 from after school care at the time I wanted to. I was always stressed and overwhelmed, feeling like I needed to get more things done both at home and at work. I loved my students, but I found it very hard to balance my students and my own children. I tried to be present in the afternoons and at night even when it meant some things weren't finished. It took until about mid-February before I wasn't as stressed with work anymore, but then the stress of not knowing if we were moving or what I was going to do about my job took over. Hubby and I laid out all the options so many times for this tough decision. One option was to try to convince my boss to put me in a different role where I could maybe be at Kid #3's school, but I would have a very large caseload, and the other option was to not renew my contract despite having only gone back to full time teaching that school year. At this point our two options for hubby's job were either we were all moving to Virginia over the summer, or he was moving by himself. After lots of prayer and discussion, I decided it would be best to quit. The stress of the job wasn't worth it for so many unknowns coming our way, and that gave me the permission I needed to not return to teaching in the fall. It felt like failure in a way but in another way it felt like the exact right thing to do. As soon as I decided not to to sign my contract, I had a sense of peace that I hadn't had in a while. Maybe this was my reminder that my number one job is taking care of my children and being there for my family.

 It has only been a week since school started, but I know that it was the best decision. By not going back to work full-time I gave myself permission to focus on my children. My days are pretty quiet so far while the boys are in school, but I have tried to plan lunches and coffee friend dates that I haven't been able to do in a long time, and tackle home organization projects. For a woman who likes to be productive and who is continually working on allowing myself rest, this has been a big change. The days seem daunting when I don't have specific plans, so I make my lists and try to focus on one task or activity at a time. I am hoping to volunteer at the boys' schools and maybe start subbing again. For now, I'm focusing on my family and myself. I don't know what my future holds, but I know I'm right where I need to be, even when it's hard. 

Speaking of hard, do you listen to the podcast We Can Do Hard Things? This episode was one of my "aha" moments during my deliberations and helped me give myself permission to quit. Quitting: When is it time to let something or someone go?